Have you ever felt emotion so intense it brought you to your knees? It could be any emotion: pain, relief, joy, fear, anger, sadness. Basically a feeling so strong it physically forces you to your knees. I’ve been in this position for many reasons, cleaning under something, prayer and even a few sexual acts. But the most memorable was in the spring of 2008. We lived in a 4,000 square foot house with this huge 1,200 square foot basement. It flooded every rain fall and it had that earthy wet scent to it. We’d only been at East Park Circle for 2 years. At the time my husband and I were out of work because of the failure of the economy around the real estate industry in America. I as a Realtor and he as a trim carpenter really took the hit hard. I was currently working as a car hauler with a woman I went to church with. It was a physically demanding job that required me to leave for up to 80 hours a week. I had 4 small children and my husband had suddenly become the primary caregiver.
I often left before they woke up for their days. Creeping down the stairs of our basement to go to put my boots on and go to the garage to meet my boss at the interstate around 4AM. This morning was different. I was desperate. There was a feeling of overwhelm that I hadn’t felt before. And while for the last few months I’d had a sense of optimism and hope for the future.
Today was different. I was desperate.
The night before my husband and I had talked. He was freaking out. You know how people can get in times of desperation and famine. They can bounce from one emotion to another. He was a provider and suddenly he couldn’t do that anymore. He was analyzing every decision that had got us to the point we were at. That point being foreclosure, vehicle repossessions and garnished banking accounts. Our financial house was crumbling around us and my wonderful, protective, provider of a husband was being crushed under the weight of our failure.
That night he shared his fears, his anger, and his frustration. And I’m sad to say we did do some finger pointing. But came to an understanding of some nature and went to sleep. I had a very fitful sleep that night. It was so hard to try and sleep when everything around me felt out of control.
I woke up earlier than I needed because I was too wired to sleep. With quiet movements I got ready for the day and tip toed to the basement. This is where I usually had a morning prayer. At the time I was still active in an organized Christian church. And in times of struggle it’s human nature to turn to something for rescue. For weeks I had prayed please just let us keep the house. I begged God to let me keep my dream home. I’d only lived there for 2 years. Didn’t I deserve to be there longer at least? Hadn’t I worked hard?
But this morning when I went to say my prayers I fell to my knees in anguish. It was no longer about me or the house or the things. It was about my husband. With tears streaming down my face and ugly snot filled sobs I begged God to protect my husband. I prayed he would find inspiration, confidence, and peace about our situation. It didn’t matter where we lived as long as we were together. I knew that money struggles could end a marriage. I was desperate not to lose my husband or my family.
After pleading with my Heavenly Father long enough that the cold concrete floor had put my legs to sleep I was all cried out. When I drove to work that day there was a sense of peace. It was as if He was waiting for me to figure out what was most important and then let him know. It was as if I could hear someone go “Finally, a prayer I can work with.” Like there was a team waiting to go to battle for me they just couldn’t give me what I was asking for because it wasn’t what I needed.
Really at the end of the day I believe we all have a team, a squad, or a crew if you will. These mates whether seen or unseen rally around us to keep us on our life’s journey. That goal to achieve the greatest light we can be.
We ended up losing East Park Circle as well as our investment property too. Sometimes I pass by the neighborhood and think, “what if?” But I quickly squash that question. There’s a quote I’ve heard once before that says, “Don’t look at the past unless you intend on going back.”
Going through financial ruin left a lot of scars on me. Some that are deep and go beyond the temporal scenery. Now almost a decade later I am still learning from that event. Nevertheless, that’s what our best teacher always is. Our last mistake. And I intend not to make those mistakes again.